This year has been different for us. I know it is the beginning of March but I feel as if we’ve been in 2017 a lot longer! We’ve seen a lot of changes in Jake. He recently turned 8 and we’ve had just as many birthdays, Valentine’s and Christmas’s. But this year it is as if he is experiencing them for the first time. We have our traditions and do the same thing each year because that is how Jake likes it; change is not good in the Dickan household.
This past Christmas Jake loved the decorations. He was super excited to get our tree and looked in awe each time a new present appeared under the tree. When he would find one with his name on it, he would look at me with this quizzical look and ask “is this for me?” I would tell him it was because it had his name on it; he would stare in a little bit of confusion and then it would turn to excitement. I asked him if he remembered getting gifts before at Christmas and he said he did. I couldn’t help but wonder if he just went through the motions, not understanding. On Christmas morning he was excited to see what Santa brought and to open his gifts. With each gift he was thrilled, like most kids, but there was something different. It was as if this was his first Christmas. You know the ones where our kids finally “get it”.
The same thing happened on his birthday. He saw his presents and kept asking if they were for him. Valentine’s day I had a card for him and he looked at it and again asking “Is this for Jake?” (he often talks in the third person), I asked him if it had his name on it and he said it did and then asked “why are you giving me a card?”. I said “It’s for Valentine’s day and I love you!” He smiled and said “cool!”. Everything seemed new to him. I asked if he remembered past birthday’s and Valentine’s days and gifts and he just smiled. I’ve tried to get more out of him to no avail.
In a way, it is all so strange to me. How can we do the same thing for 8 years and then all of a sudden it is brand new? Autism. Although, we have been on this journey for 6 years we are all still learning. I just scratch my head, try to keep up and understand to my best ability. It is hard and frustrating most every day. But thankfully Jake is happy. I wouldn’t change who Jake is but I sure would love to get inside his sweet head and know what he is thinking, why he is thinking it and to see the gaps that keep him from being able to tell me these things. One day…